i dreamt of my current lecturer. omg i dont know why! i remember that there was someone with us but i cant remember who. it must be because it bothers me so much that i am already dreaming of him that i have to repress some of the details of the dream.

anws i was with another friend and we were eating at some food court. it didnt seem familiar to me but i am quite certain we were in singapore. cos my family was also in the dream just that they were sitting elsewhere but definitely keeping a close eye on the 3 of us. i think it was breakfast but what my lecturer ate was damn not breakfast like. i am quite certain he was eating korean food. the first meal he had was some weird concoction that he offered to us to try. i think i ate it. I DONT KNOW WHY!?!?!?!

then after that we were talking like we super buddy with him and everything and asked where he stayed and stuff and he said tiong bahru or something. i thought all along he was like staying in some super far place like pasir ris. but it doesnt matter. IT WAS JUST VERY WEIRD BECAUSE WE WERE ALLL LIKE SUPER CLOSE AND SUPER BUDDY-ISH WHICH FREAKS ME OUT! He was talking to us and resting his arm on my shoulder, LIKE HOW CCAN THAT BE NORMAL?! WAH LAO. bothered much. >.<

then the next scene i was sitting in some lorry i forgot why but in the lorry there were a lot of other people whom i knew but i seriously cant remember them now except for one. we were all sitting behind (you know where all the foreign laborers will sit at on the lorry) but not because we were laborers. suddenly the road turned into some really hilly place. it was crazy. like macham sitting roller coaster with no seat belt. i lost grip and flew off the lorry with another person. based on the magnitude of the hill and the speed the lorry was going, we should have (logically) been either dead or very very very VERYYYYYY badly injured. but we just broke a few bones and our faces were unharmed. LIKE WHAT?????

okay here’s the interesting part. for i dont know what reason why these events occurred one after another… but i ended up in some theme park. i remember this theme park. it was a theme park that was built in my dreams. i seriously havent been to such a theme park so i dont know how the hell it was in my mind. and guess what. BB was performing and i was with elaine in the first row. the first row was weird. it was like we were all seated on the floor, on the same level as BB’s stage and bloody hell TOP was standing right in front of me, as usually dancing very awkwardly. he looked more meaty as compared to his actual self. i was going crazy. bloodyhell he was right in front of me la! then i think the concert ended and then GD was right in front of me and he was like running and slapping everyone’s knee (cos we were all seating on the floor remember? weird, yes) and i asked him for a handshake instead which he did. i went crazy then i realised someone later asked him for a hug. then i was like okay, wheres TOP? he disappeared

so i decided to hang around the theme park and another friend appeared, and we ended up in some cute shop. my weakness for cute stuff. aloy appeared and said, why my uncle never buy this hello kitty coin bag for him instead of something else. WEIRD MAX. WHY ALOY WANT HELLO KITTY?!

then i woke up. sigh. weird. weird. WEIRD. WTFFFFFFFF!!!!

Parents have issues trying to connect with their children, trying to get them to open up to them. I seem to be having trouble getting them to listen to me. I have so much to say and I want to open up and I want to tell them everything but I don’t know if they want to listen or if they are willing to listen. And even if they say they are I really doubt they are. Skeptical.

Maybe I shld start writing them a journal. And then when in the event I die earlier than they do, they will get to finally “listen” to what I really want to tell them. As the song goes “funny when you are dead how people start listening”. Its usually how it works I guess.

Who really cares anyway right? You are not my parents I don’t expect you to. I really hope and wish they would know how I feel.

I hate it when they compare me with other kids and say that I don’t stay home or spend time with them and stuff. I am not like other kids ya? They rebel, but I try my best to compel. I really wonder if you all notice. But I guess not.

so its the holidays… but holidays or not, others help me fill up my day. i suppose i brought this upon myself. who am i to blame for what i am today but ultimately myself. i am tired of the blame game and i hate it when people dont take responsibility towards their actions. then again the debate of whether the individual is capable of being responsible towards him or herself can turn my post in another direction. in order to avoid this, for everything and anything i try as much as possible to attribute it to myself. Yes, i sound like a depressed person that way. well, i dont deny that i have the tendencies of a depressed individual, but it doesnt affect my social functioning, etc so i dont qualify to be diagnosed under the DSM.

thousand and one things are racing through my mind but i dont know which of those i should put into action. i guess i am too ambitious. i want to do too many things and i believe that if i put my mind to it, i can do it. But on the other hand, i know i have limitations and i cannot possibly do everything. i tend to worry about a lot of things that people often tell me that are not within my control or my “duty” as a daughter/friend/etc. though i know that to be true sometimes, i cant help but feel useless sometimes when encountering such situations.

i guess its because i tend to write rules for myself to follow that may not be actually set by others for me. confused? its okay. anyway this post is for me to look back at one day and laugh at myself for being such a silly person.

(btw i am typing this in the storeroom because the wireless connection has been really pms-ish and daddy called them to troubleshoot it. and because the modem is located in the storeroom with a very very short @$#$^&%^*(&^% cable, i have to surf it in a rather uncomfortable place. shrugs)

so recently my brother has been spending even lesser time with the family because he has gotten a girlfriend. i guess everyone must be having really boring lives or just being really drama-ish, keep on picking on this matter. and honestly, i am getting quite frustrated about it. before i comment on this matter, i need to summarize what has happened so far.

so my brother is finally with his gf after knowing her for  i guess a pretty long time (perhaps 5 years?). recently he brought her home to show the family, relatives all. personally i think she is alright. i mean she is a girly girl la and she seems pretty alright (at least she doesnt give me the vibe that the previous girl he likes gave me – so i guess that is a good sign right?). grandma was pretty alright with her initially as well, saying that she is alright and everything. so honestly, i dont understand (actually maybe i do) why they keep picking on the couple now. so because he is going (actually at this point he has already gone) to perth for the second phase of his pilot training, and she is going to canada for study exchange, plus they are prolly in their “honeymoon” period of being in a relationship, they tend to want to spend more time with each other and be for lovey dovey and sticky with each other. i mean given my brother’s personality, he seems like the type who will pamper and spoil his gf and future wife, and also the type who will give all that he have to the people he treasure. i guess that is his strength and also what will lead to his downfall. he is still pretty naive i think and he has the mindset that everything will go accordingly.

as much as i dont want to sound so anti or rebelious but i think that generally, we as christians believe that “everything will happen according to God’s plan” and i think that some of us take it too literally. like the saying goes, “it takes two hands to clap”. i believe that God gives us opportunities and we have to work to make that opportunity become a reality. and just because he gives us an opportunity, it doesnt mean that all will go well. “everything happens for a plan, God’s plan.” i mean, you have to make something out of it right? just because it is said that “God will provide”, it doesnt mean you just sit at home and wait for food to be on the table right?

anyhow, in my opinion, i think my brother is still a little too naive in the sense that he is very likely to be cheated because of his goodwill, and that is perhaps what worries the elders in my family. like when i told him that i dont want to get an expensive present for our youngest brother because he doesnt know how to value and take care of his things, my brother told me “but then its suppose to be replaced what.” for example: i told him that what for buy for him a new pair of branded boots when you know your youngest brother will not make good use of it and that he will spoil it in less than a few months. he replied saying that but boots are suppose to spoil and be replaced what. WHATTTTTT???? okay perhaps because he has earning power and i am a student who receives allowance of about less than 1/8 of his salary.

after every family gathering with him and his gf, grandma will complain the most. i like to attribute this to her being jealous and also perhaps having a mentality of 12534568123 years ago. i love my grandma but sometimes i think that she is really shallow in her thinking. i mean yes, you have lived longer and experienced more in life much much MUCHHHHHH more than i have. this is why i thought you would be less likely to make such ridiculous and childish statements. i mean i know that you wish to confide in me but then you cant be so quick to judge someone whom you have yet to communicate with properly right?

i dont know if my brother and his gf even realise or not but then there are certain things that you can and cannot do or shld avoid doing at family gatherings. like yes, you all want to express your love for each other openly and stuff. you can! in the presence of your friends or relatives of the younger generation, by all means. but you dont keep sticking to each other, feed each other and act like a princess or prince in front of the elders. there are certain societal expectations that are not written in black and white but what many elders value. and these are the values that they use to judge you. if you want to get on the right start with them, you need to know what you should or should not do. yes you may say i am thinking too much and i am being fake. whatever you wish to think.

when you make it a point to take others’ values and beliefs into consideration, even though you do not believe in them or practice them, it makes a big difference. why? because it shows that you respect the other person. i like to use this example of religion. why do many people dislike we christians and say that we are an arrogant bunch and everything. yes you say it is because they dont understand us and judge us without even getting to know us. what about ourselves? yes, our religion tells us there is only one almighty and we shld worship no other. then like you said, they judge us without even getting to know us. so how can we dismiss and put other people down when we dont even know what exactly is going on in their religions or belief. if they are not fair, then what makes us?! i dont have a problem with my non-christian friends and sometimes they even ask me about christianity without me even trying to preach. why? respect for others garners others’ respect for you.

my point of this whole junk? simple. people dont think anymore. they dont think deeply and critically anymore. that is sad.

To see if I can continue to hold myself together. To see whether I am strong. To test my faith.

I am definitely not Your best child. I still love You, and turn to you when I need strength. Even a stubborn and rebellious child knows that his/her parents love him/her (somewhat).

I guess I am still on the route of self discovery and identity. I don’t want to be like the rest who put on a false front in Your presence. I rather look like the black sheep than to live with that facade. No one may understand my rationale, its fine.

All You need to know is, just like you have said that You have not forsaken me, I have not forsaken You. Neither have I forgotten your goodness and graciousness to me.

In my case, at least for me as an individual, once a chinese girl, always a chinese girl. Though I don’t bind my feet or do the chores or sew or cook, but one thing stays and that is when an elder says something, it overwrites everything.

If you go against it or challenge it, you are defiant and you are a traitor. And that’s what I am now for choosing my friend’s birthday celeb over my dad’s.

Here’s my side of the story:
I messed up on my friend’s actual birthday. 21st that is. So I planned a mini dinner for june 10th. Little did I know june 10th would be my dad’s chinese birthday. My grandma only told me that it was so after I planned it.

Oh great. So I told her what happened and she started saying that I am useless and how can I put my friends before my father and celebrate my friend’s birthday and not my dad’s. I always put my family first okay. And then I look like as fucking traitor to my friends. And this is what I get? Called useless because just this once I need to choose my friend over my dad?

Ya that’s true, friends come and go but the family sticks with you. But how can you break a promise? Now what does that make you?

The more my grandma went on on how unfilial I was, the more I felt like a monster and the guilt started eating me, starting with my guts. I literally loss all forms of appetite and my gastric is starting to act up.

My mum intervened and told grandma that we’ll celeb dad’s chinese birthday one day earlier. But the thing is that my brother isn’t home. so its like also defeating the purpose right? I do feel less guilt but now I feel like a bloody traitor. I don’t know how to face my grandma, at least for today.

I’ve always tried to be perfect for them. Trying too hard backfires sometimes I suppose, like how everyone elses says. Its true that no matter how many good things you try to do or have done, one bad thing or mistake you do can write off alll of them. Its like a virus that forces you to reformat ur com.

It sucks? Well, I guess it does. But think about it… What if you were the “important” person and there’s this friend who makes you feel so important and put you in the centre of their life but you don’t really care as much abt that person?

Well, how’s that from this point of view?

Yes yes I am so darn lag I know. Now I don’t have an excuse to say that I don’t have the time to blog right? Well… Hurhurhur XD we’ll see how long my enthusiasm lasts ya.

Am currently on the way back from din with yj and tn. 830 class tmr or else I would have watched kungfu panpan2 with them. Tuesday got exam from ch1-5. Oh mannnnn!

This sem is seriously crazy stuff. Ooooo just blogging like that and I’m almost home! Nice I’ll try to blog more this way. Try.

<3!

i seem to be talking to myself on twitter. i missed the times when there were lesser followers, i could say whatever i want and didnt have to care whether people liked it or hated it or whatever. but recently, i’ve been to conscious abt it and i hate it. still, we need to be responsible for whatever we post or say (especially when media is involved).

anyhow, my dad passed me the newpapers today and once again, i found myself getting caught up with what the parties are saying. i dont know about you, but its mentally draining for me. to put it in a crude way, i have exams and i feel that they are more important than the trash talk that the adults are slamming at each other. i sound selfish, but whoever who wins isnt going to give a shit if i pass or fail my exams. yes, i am annoyed and highly irritable.

previously, what i’ve said had sounded pretty anti-opp. what i am saying now doesnt mean that i am for-opp now. as i’ve said, i am just questioning what the adults are saying and arguing. and with that, i am going to have a verbal diarrhea now.

the apology did soften many hearts though it took a long while to be addressed. still, it isnt enough to persuade many to change their minds. this is prolly cos its not easy to build back trust that was broken. not that its not possible, it is just difficult. what can be done? well, maybe to fulfill what you promise would be a good start? then maintaining it would be a good call? the problems that people are raising now are primarily about accountability and transparency, so it would be good to do that. and perhaps to be consistent in whatever that has been promised to the people and not wait until D-DAY is approaching, then you start to upgrade and change faulty stuff. these make one look like they were procrastinating (you know… like how we students always get scolded for for doing our work at the last minute?) and super insincere. so you cant really blame people for being skeptical, can you?

i was watching a link on fb yesterday that one of my friends posted of one of the ministers’ video msg to the youths. why he is starting to get the attention of the youths, i think, is because he really sounded genuine and really wanted to bridge the gap between him and the youths. he didnt come across as authoritative, he sounded like he wants to be a friend. and i think this is what touched (most) youths (i think). he made an effort to humble himself and plead to the youths to talk to him and he will try to help.

youths are not hard to understand. we are humans, just like (older) adults. we are not being rebellious when we talk back or question your actions. we are growing up, we can think, you cannot stop us from questioning. we question because we dont understand and we wish to be enlightened. just because you are (older) adults, doesnt mean that you are always right and that we are always wrong and therefore have to always listen to what you (older) adults have to say. communication is a two-way process. you talk, we listen. we talk, YOU listen. and listen with respect and your heart, not just pretending to or just going through the notion.

i know because this is happening even at the microscopic level, in my own household.

i love my family and my parents, dont get me wrong. it is not that i dont want to talk to them. in fact i always try and engage in conversations with them, because i feel that as a family member, it is also my responsibility to contribute to the family in whatever way i can to make it a better one. we talk and talk and talk, but sometimes i really cant help but feel that my parents arent exactly listening to what i have to say. it seems like they are just going through the notion, like just pretending to listen but they dont really understand what i am trying to say. and it hurts me. yes, it does. i may be talking about something that happened to me and they interrupt me, and i thought they would ask me to continue, but they didnt. it doesnt happen all the time, but when it does, it hurts.

now we put this back at the macro level, the people of the country are like the kids, and the government is like our parents. the people are upset and hurt because they are not being heard. and it is not necessarily that we are incompetent but our views are not heard or taken seriously. and “parents”, this is why you are like peeing in your pants now, knowing that your “kids” are going to “leave” you.

i read in the papers that one of our ministers say it is hard to talk to the youths. when they go on house visits, youths aren’t home most of the time. that youths do not understand the system… in short, it sounds like as if the youths will all vote the opp and that the youths will destroy the country if they vote the opp.

firstly, i would like to say, just because its the election period, it doesnt mean that everyone should stay at home and wait for you guys to come and shake our hands. some of us are working too, majority of us are students and we are either in school or out of school studying so that we can get our papers that will help us survive in this fast-pace society.

secondly, not every youth is for the opp okay. some are for govt, some are for opp, and some are undecided. it is not : all youths = rebellious = voting for opp. SO PLEASE DONT GENERALIZE ALL OF US. IT MAKES US FEEL WRONGED AND UPSET. isnt it the same with some of the (older) adults too? sheesh. its like a 50-50% thing okay. its not that we dont know what the govt has done for us and stuff, we do. we may be young but we are not ignorant. we are just prolly confused because sometimes your words, actions and arguments contradict each other. again, you cant blame us.

thirdly, it is not hard to talk to us. like the minister’s video msg on fb, it is generating awareness among the youths and we like to know that an (older) adult actually is bothered to know our needs and stuff. it is comforting to know that. pls dont say things like we are on different bandwidths. whether i using low bandwidth or high bandwidth, i can still serve the internet. one takes a longer time thats all. and if you really care, and you really want to do something about it, you will still do it no matter how long it takes. unless you are saying that, it is not worth your time. if that minister on the video msg on fb can go and take time out to learn how to use fb, twitter or whatever other forms of media communications, why cant the rest of you?

活到老，学到老. arent we promoting lifelong learning? so please dont say that “ah! that is a “young people” thing. i am too old for it.” or like “ah! i cant catch up with technology!” LAME EXCUSES. you can use windows phone or iphone or whatever other smartphones are out there but you cant try fb? its because you dont want to, not because you cannot. this is why that minister is popular among youths. you all should learn from him! walk the talk and not only talk bull.

yes, i agree no government is perfect and that from time to time, mistakes will surely surface. i know that actions will be taken towards these mistakes and that we will all learn from it. BUT, just because nothing is perfect it doesnt give one the excuse to not strive for the best.

although i am like tearing my hair from all these political stuff and trying to digest them, i am thankful for the opps this year. i truly hope that the miw will wake up from this dream. things are changing yes, you cant expect the generations of tomorrow to be exactly like the generations of the past. dont blame us, things change. results can still be the same with a different approach.

back to mugging again.

i think everyone is brainwashed. no one is thinking logically anymore. the old people by the old government, the young voters by the young and rising potential leaders of the nation. old people want safety and stability, young people want change.

i agree that we need to take some risks, but just like how we cannot lose weight overnight cos we might die, we cannot expect radical change. our nation might die.

its nice that the government cares abt the poor and the old. but let me ask you, honestly, do you even give a shit? i can tell you, everyone talks about ohhh how the poor and old need help blah blah blah, but what are you all doing to help them? nothing. only talk cock. we sgporeans the best at talking cock. we spend money like crazy, we eat like there is no tmr and we WASTE FOOD AND CLOTHES AND EVERYTHINNGGGGGG. when doing all these leisure stuff, have we once thought abt the poor? yes? SHIT YOU, STOP DECEIVING YOURSELF.

just the other day i read one (out of the 12634562312312 others) notes on fb regarding the elections as well. this person compared her salary to that of a cleaning auntie (or something along the line). i cant remember the exact words this person used but what i want to say is, how can you compare this way? what are your qualifications and what are the auntie’s qualifications? if you sympathize with her, then you give her your salary la?

lets say we increase auntie’s salary to 1k, would that make you feel better? then your salary remain the same. would you feel better now? dont complain say, eh i study so hard but my salary only 1k higher than auntie… other people in other countries with my qualifications get better leh! see my point?

okay la. so we increase everyone’s salary. YAYYY!!! MORE MONEY TO SPEND!!!! then you say, SHIT LA! gst increase! bak chor mee increase! toilet now must pay 50cents?! SHIT LA! dont understand what i am saying?

lets evaluate this simple logic. (i iz a psychology student, not business not into politics as well. so i reckon this should be DAMNNNNNNNNNN simple alr.) if we increase cleaning auntie salary, we also need to increase toilet auntie’s salary, we also need to increase bak chor mee auntie’s salary, we also need to increase many many many many other people’s salary. so thats why now we cannot pay only 5 cents for a bowl of fishball noodles anymore, not like in our lao peh and lao bu’s times.

now we talk about having expats and foreigners in the country. now we are in the age of globalization. i ask you, the songs in your ipod, how many songs are by local artistes? and how many are by bigbang, black eyed peas, lady gaga, jay chou, etc…? we are so westernized now and everything. so whats wrong with seeing more foreigners in the country now? dont you all wish you were like them? mai gei siao.

so you argue, no la! we not talking abt the westerners, we talking about those like indian and chinese, etc foreigners. then i’ll ask, are you ready to talk over their jobs? are you willing to do what they do? construction? service line? dishwasher? all those dirty jobs that you dont want to do, these people are doing it for you. and for your info, THEY DONT GET PAID A LOT EITHER. talk about racial harmony and stuff. all you buggers are becoming racists man.

the gay issue thingy. i think that gay or not, its beside the point. we are all humans and we have rights. just because a person’s gender identity is questionable, does not mean that that person is not capable or whatsoever.

ah, the “you want something, vote for me” issue. erm, i think that that is logical ah. if i want something from you, i will definitely have to vote for you right? if this is not moral, does that mean that voting is not moral? if so, YAY I WILL BE HAPPY COS I REALLY DONT WANT TO VOTE >.< forever 18 please!! aish.

my point at the end of the day is, PLEASE THINK. dont be impulsive and vote based on emotions. think about why things are like that. yes the present govt may not perfect, it can be improved. the new and the old can work together cant they? think about it. since when politics are ever fair? TELL ME?! since when life is fair? TELL ME?!

even if we have the best govt after the elections, we need two hands to clap. we sgporeans have to do our part too.

you want change, you want things to be better. BUT IF YOU CANT FREAAAAKING HELL QUEUE UP BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE, OR MOVE INTO THE CENTRE OF THE CARRIAGE OR GIVE UP YOUR SEAT TO SOMEONE ELSE WHO NEEDS IT MORE THAN YOU, SERIOUSLY TALK ABOUT WHAT CHANGE?

also its annoying that the parties are like aiming each other and trashing them and stuff. its so ugly and depressing every time i look at the newspaper, internet, etc.

now that i have finally said what is on my weary heart, i am going to start mugging for my exams. i hope i wont go to jail for trying to explain what i’ve gathered from the elections so far. i’m still lost. i am just like questioning all these like very emotionally charged arguments that seem to be lacking in logic, well not that i am very smart or clever. its just that, i dont get what your point is. if you help me understand, make me feel safe,stand up for me, i’ll give you my vote.

peace. i hope we wont have a riot or civil war. i want to stay alive for my summer exchange prog. next year.